Today is Valentine’s Day. It is one of the few sunny days that there has been here on the windward side of O’ahu in the Hawai’ian Islands. I am sitting in the backyard of the home that I lived in with Lennie. It was 3 years ago today that I first saw his photo on line in a serendipitous chance that fate threw out to the universe on Valentine’s Day, 2009. What once was my dream of coming to Hawai’i and finding the destiny that I always knew lie here became a reality as I met the man whom I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Has it really been over 3 months since he passed away? I have tried to fill that time with work, but that became sparse after Christmas. It seems that some of that time I must have wandered around in a daze, still unable to believe that he is gone. I joke with some of my friends that I really am that stereotypical image of the woman who meets a man over the Internet and ends up giving him all of her money. And I know that I would do it again in a heart beat if it meant that Lennie and I could spend a few more precious days together.
I have been back in Hawai’i for almost 2 weeks to deal with issues that I cannot talk about right now. I am here in paradise and have never felt so alone and desolate in my life. I can vividly recall the days of being a true ‘starving artist’, when I decided to make my living by my brush alone. Was I really that brave once? I tell people that one of the greatest ‘gifts’ that Lennie gave to me was courage. He made me feel as if I could accomplish anything. But maybe I always had that courage and just lost it for a while as I got complacent with my life. I remember being so broke once that there was literally no food left in the house except some cornflakes. I had run out of everything. There wern’t even the staples left; no bread, no rice, no dog food. There was a half box of Cornflakes in an otherwise bare cupboard. I poured the cornflakes into two bowls and added water to them. This was supper for both my dog, Chaucer, and I as I tried to live on one dollar a day for food. As I sat the bowl of cornflakes with water on the floor before Chaucer, I thought to myself, “this is as low as I can go.” It was at that precise second when an epiphany occured that changed my point of view. As I set the bowl in front of him, Chaucer looked at the cornflakes, turned and looked at me and then back to his bowl and began to devour his cornflakes with water. The look in his eyes had said it all. It was as if he wanted to say, “Look what I got! We must have won the lottery!” It was in that moment that I suddenly knew that everything would be okay. It was simply a matter of changing your outlook, or your point of view. This was something that I had heard Lennie say many times, “What is the hardest and also the easiest thing to do?” “To change your point of view.” With that change of outlook on your life comes an empowerment. It enables you to take charge, once again, for your own life instead of sitting back, almost an observer, and letting yourself feel like a victim. Changing your outlook not only lifts your mood, but you seem to emit a new aura of confidence. Confident people walk taller. They look people in the eye, although when you are broke, you sometimes can’t help looking at the ground …there might be money down there! All kidding aside, they put out a positive attitude to the universe. Ant to that positive attitude, other positive things are attracted.
During some of those empowering moments are when positive things did start to happen for me. We say that it was ‘out of the blue’, but was it, or did we have some hand in changing our fate? Incidentally, it was the next day that my phone rang. It was a friend who was a Feng Shui master. She wanted to come over for a visit. It was during that visit that she made me rearrange my furniture and make my rooms look much brighter. It was shortly after that that I was sitting in my brighter room that the idea for a print collection came to me. Yes, I had to talk a banker into lending me the money with absolutely no collateral. And I never looked back. It was thanks to whatever God-given talent that I possess that I was able to pay for that first 2 month trip to one of the cancer clinics in Mexico. So, although I have been left financially destitute from Lennie’s care, I know that the universe will not let me starve as long as I do not just sit back and wait for it to save me. You do have to be pro-active. But you can be really pro-active with an attitude of success and just a ‘going-through-the-motions’ kind of attempt.
So on this Valentine’s Day you may be in Paradise or you may be somewhere that you have never liked. You may be with the love of your life, or you may be alone. How you perceive your present state is all in your point of view. I hope that this small Valentine gift of my own personal story and wisdom can reach some of you who also may be feeling alone and scared today. I hope that it will give you the courage to take charge and make your life better and happier.
Remember that output equals input – the more attempts you make, the better your chances. On that note if anyone is looking for a House Portrait or any other commission, please e-mail me at kathryninhawaii@gmail.com or visit my website at www.kathrynsmith.com
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you.
And to the universe: I love you and I miss you Lennie Schneider. Every day was Valentine’s Day with you.
Until we meet again,
Kathryn xxxooo